Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
