and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize