Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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