I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
