i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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