Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
