DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
