I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
