I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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