we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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