Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
