Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
