I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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