he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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