Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
