then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
