If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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