Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
