Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
