her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Pooping to opera.
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