eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
and you fell through a lawn chair
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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