Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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