my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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