I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
