maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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