tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
