shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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