Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
