then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
do herpes really smell.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
