I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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