I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
