Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
