So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
