First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
