Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Randomize
