who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
