My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
