covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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