Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
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