You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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