dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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