good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need to calm my uterus...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize