Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
