Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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