she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
