If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
