I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
