I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
