he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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