I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
