I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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