I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
