Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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