woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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