Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
