I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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