I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
