At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
