so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
