Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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