Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My vagina is officially offended.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
