College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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