I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
