he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
