I'm eating all of the evidence.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
